More inspiration for military wives looking for military marriage counseling:
I’ve been married for three years and my husband is in the military. We've got some marriage problems that have shown up before, after, and during deployment. He has said that he wants to get a job where he can travel and is afraid I will be lonely so he suggests we get divorced. I told him that I am committed to him no matter what. He has asked for me before for a separation after fights. He also talks to his ex-wife sometimes and I've discovered that he's told her that he still loves her. Should I fight for him, or give up (and leave him before he leaves me)? I do love him but I see he’s not fully committed.
Marriage problems during deployment? Or an affair?
There's several details here that seem to be missing, like if he's having an affair with his ex or with another woman, hence the urgency to leave. At face value though, it seems like he wants out of the relationship and is trying to make excuses for wanting out, in this case, he's saying that he's worried you would be lonely so therefore he wants a divorce before leaving. I don't know the details of his first marriage and why that ended but that may be coming into play. I'm also concerned that he still has feelings for his ex.
I have worked with plenty of couples in the military where there are issues with deployment but if the couple is committed, they are able to maintain their relationship despite the distance.
Commitment is the first step in our marriage help book and there's a reason it is the first step.
A marriage that lasts cannot be without commitment.
In this case, it's not so much about the marriage problems before, during, and after deployment as much as his wanting to leave. I do think it would be beneficial for both of you to do some work together on your relationship so you can process your goals as well as the fears and get to the bottom of this because it is likely to repeat. There are usually deeper reasons for such abrupt behavior that seemingly comes out of nowhere.
It is worth getting more conscious about it so you both can create the future you want together.
If you're facing deployment, or your spouse is currently deployed through the military, arm yourself with tools that will keep you both strong and connected despite the distance. Experiencing some online marriage counseling with us via Skype is an amazing tool for you while you are deployed and will make the return home that much more positive. We often have Skype sessions with couples in different locations, and our screen is open to 3 people viewing each other all together on one screen. Learn more about how you can do this via Skype.
Be in touch,
Shlomo and Rivka Slatkin