If you're a husband whose wife has "unilaterally" decided that she wants to divorce, and is unwilling to get marriage help from a professional or seek out marriage counseling, you're going to have to learn ways on your own to stop divorce and win her back.
More inspiration for what to do when you think, "I want my wife back":
- 4 Ways to Improve Your Marriage All By Yourself: When Your Spouse Isn’t Interested
- How can I fix my marriage by myself?
- Is your spouse unwilling to go to counseling with you?
You may not have even realized that your wife was even thinking of divorcing you and it may have felt very sudden to you.
Many times, women feel overwhelmed and physically "tapped out" with the children, the cooking, the cleaning, and all of the caretaking needs that she provides in all of her close family relationships.
Furthermore, if you haven't been the most supportive husband in these areas (even if you're the most wonderful provider), she probably felt unsupported a long time ago, and you'll know this if she has complained for a while about all of the things that she needs to get done and take care of. The problem with her complaining though, is that most likely it drove you further and further away from her, and you retreated into other "exits" just to get away from the nagging.
When the nagging stopped and your wife suddenly got quiet, that's when she began planning the divorce. And you had no idea that she was even unhappy.
So what can you do to stop divorce from happening and win her back?
Even if your wife has completely given up on you, you're going to need to work OVERTIME to become a more attentive and in-tune man. Become her friend. Be there for her when she is sick, help her even if she's left you for another man!
We've heard a story of a man that resolved to become a friend for their wife (his ultimate goal was of course to stop their divorce and win her back), helping her to even move out of the house into another living situation with another man! Very extreme situation but in the end, the wife returned because felt like she could turn to her husband for anything and saw that their friendship would last through anything.
Men, No criticism, nagging, calling excessively, begging, pleading, buying gifts, seeking out help from her family members or friends, following her around, or acting needy.
It's almost like you need to completely nullify yourself and just be a true friend, empathetic without trying to fix or give advice, and performing consistent non-judgmental act of selflessness towards her, being cheerful and strong, like you've got no worries and will succeed at life despite any adversity that is thrown your way.
Again, this advice is for those men out there whose wives absolutely refuse to get professional marriage counseling or help at all.
In the meantime, you need to become a person that is committed to your marriage even when she's not, you seal any energy leaks from your marriage (other things you've directed your attention to in an effort to "get away" from your spouse), become a person that is not critical or negative in any way- even if she says the nastiest things (she is hurting and trying to see how you'll respond and if you're the same old husband she first decided to leave), knowledgeable about how to listen without trying to fix or excuse your behavior and take FULL responsibility, and learn to woo your wife again.
These are all points that we cover in our self help marriage counseling program entitled Marriage School which you can take a look at here. A must do especially for those husbands out there whose wives have completely "checked out".
Be in touch,
Shlomo and Rivka Slatkin