When your wife wants out or your husband wants out, it can feel incredibly frightening.
The clock feels like it's starting to tick and you may feel like, internally, there's a countdown for winning your husband or wife back.
We'd like to invite you to listen to our podcast episode below so that you can learn what to do if your husband wants a divorce or your wife wants a divorce and to see if it is possibly to win him/her back.
The first thing Shlomo advises is that you do your best to stay calm and move forward in a thoughtful manner, thinking about what you want to accomplish.
Taking things slow and having a well thought out approach is ideal.
This is super scary if you are a Hailstorm, or Maximizer, where you feel extremely anxious when your partner is withdrawn.
If you're used to nagging your spouse, this is going to backfire on you, because this may be the reason that your husband or wife is pulling away.
Recommendation: Do the 180 challenge, almost playing "hard to get", letting your spouse have their space to work their stuff out. This includes not running after them, contacting them, asking them when things will change- completely shifting towards the opposite approach. This waiting it out will sometimes allow for the person to come out of their internal struggle-
It can be extremely scary as there is a lot of risk involved.
Taking personal responsibility, letting your spouse know that you are aware of your role and how you've been contributing to the relationship nightmare may open things up in a brand new way.
The more responsibility you can take for your role and what you've done to push him/her away, the more your spouse may be well received towards your remorse. Think about your spouse's complaints, realizing that these needs of theirs that haven't been met, is what will be refreshing to your spouse, when they see that there is hope for change.
Most of the time, couples don't think there is any hope- that things will stay exactly the same as they always have- so the key is to show them that things CAN be different with your new found taking of responsibility.
Examining what your spouse's 5 love languages are so that you can really give to your partner in a brand new and completely fulfilling way.
Relationship are not supposed to be a "bed of roses" forever. There is supposed to be a power struggle and that is a means towards an end. It is designed so that you get conscious about what you need to do to grow and heal personally and in your relationship.
Read our short marriage guide to learn how to begin getting that consciousness out of your conflict. Your conflict is pushing your buttons and your spouse's buttons ON PURPOSE.
It's going to be even harder if your husband or wife is actively involved in an affair or even in a individual therapist relationship where the therapist is contributing to your partner's feelings of doubt about the marriage or even advising him/her to separate from you.
Do the best you can, pray that things can change and go in the right direction, and try not to worry about what will happen in the end.
If you can effectively invite your husband or wife to a private 2 day marriage retreat with us, your changes of turning this divorce around are very good. Contact us if you would like to hear more about the 2 day private marriage intensive.